Since I was a child, I always had a hard time sleeping. I used to think it was linked to an excitement I had for life, I was eager to get out of bed and experience the day. I realized how wrong that was as an adult. Bedtime is when all my anxieties come out, when my brain decides to recount all the failures and negative experiences I’ve had in recent memory.
It’s been hard for me to express my feelings about anything negative or positive this past year. I used to write and journal like I needed it to survive. I just had all of these words and thoughts pouring out at all times. It feels like there’s a cork stuck in my head that’s holding everything in. I find myself choking when I open my mouth to speak. The suffocation has led me to battling with depression.
I don’t know how to push out these feelings, but I hope relief will come soon. What scares me is that time goes by faster than it used to. Days now turn into weeks, which become months, and eventually turns into a year since I’ve written anything down on this page. If I get up and look in the mirror, my face always looks like its aged. I feel like a drag when I’m having a conversation that addresses my sadness and social media makes me feel like people are only allowed to express their humanity in less than 140 characters.
I’m not sure what I’m getting at. I’ve never written a public post about my depression before. I hope writing this down will help me sleep better.